Goal-to-go touch football: take one

Holiday time is approaching.  If you're like me, this is the time of year that you care about gridiron football.  Having some extra free time with your family, having the ground freeze or become snow-covered so a soccer ball won't roll properly, but the local ice pads are not frozen enough yet for skating: it's time for some pointy-ended football.
And anyway, if you watch sports on TV, you've just seen the Grey and Vainer cups get handed out here in Canada, and various US college football conference championships transition to bowl games.  And, of course, there is always the NFL, which will continue to ratchet up the intensity until not even the Pro Bowl can detract from the Super Bowl.  So we've got football on our minds.
Or I have, anyway, and so, through the strange workings of that mind, I produce:

Rules for Touch Football

Aimed at Fairness and Reward of Skill
in all Phases of the Game

Suitable for Children and Adults

Ok, so this is what I am assuming everybody wants from their touch football game:
Fun
Football
The exhilaration of running around in the snow/mud, so that extremities that were once cold become warm and faces light up with a glow of athletic joy
Not painful collisions with friends/relatives half/twice your size, which would lead to guilt feelings or broken bones.

These are the concepts I'm adding to the pot:
Removal of tedious "first-down-conversions", (read: tedious arguments as to where the ball was spotted): every call will be about a touchdown (or a safety), because the goal lines will be about ten yards apart.
Return a way to have the defensive team have to do the calculus of pressuring the quarterback vs defensive coverage by having a blitz rule that's different from counting steamboats
Bring back the kicking game


So, here is what you need to play:
several players (in my head, I'm thinking four-a-side)
a clear area about twentyish paces long and tenish paces wide - findable in a nearby park, or in a relatively large or uncluttered backyard, free of delicate things for a football to break
some cones/old sweaters/discarded hats/nonplayers/lines scratched in the snow to mark the boundaries
a football (maybe one of those miniature ones that are still proper, inflated balls, so that the younger kids can get a proper grip)

This is what you should mark:
I might draw a proper picture later.  For now, some ASCII art with *s for cones should work.  Scale: one pace is two spaces

     *      *          *         *       *


     e      g          h         g       e



     *      *          *         *       *

The letters mark the end-, goal- and half-lines.

Now, the game-play:

The kickoff starts play.  To perform the kickoff, the kicker from the kicking team stands on the endline, while his team-mates stand on the goal-line.  The kicker must punt the ball over the heads of his team-mates and towards the field.  The receiving team can position themselves as they choose, and are free to catch the ball: the kicking team does not interfere.
There are three possibilities: if the ball is caught, then the receiving team possess the ball for their first down on offense at the spot the ball was caught.
If the ball touches ground, it can touch ground in bounds (between the kicking team's goal line, the sidelines, and the receiving team's endline) or out of bounds (anywhere else, maybe with a special penalty if the ball goes over a fence or something).  If the ball touches out-of-bounds, they can start on the half-line.  If the ball touches ground in bounds, or if it touches out-of-bounds after being touched but not caught by the receiving team, the receiving team start their drive on their own goal line; further, they are deprived of the chance at an extra field-goal-only fourth down.  More on field goals later. 
I don't yet have rules in place for kick-returns or onside kicks, those can be added later.

Downs proceeding from the snap: 
Being Canadian, I'm disposed to grant three downs.  Mess with it if you like.  But remember that a fourth, kicking-only down is involved.

Offense: The centre shall snap the ball to the quarterback, who may then run with the ball, or pass it to a receiver.  The centre remains eligible as a receiver as well; also, for the quarterback to run past the line of scrimmage, he must touch the centre.  The centre cannot accept handoffs.
A player shall score a touchdown by running over the goal-line in possession of the ball, or by catching a pass in the end-zone.
Defense: The defenders shall be in two groups: the defensive line and the defensive backfield.  The d-line shall begin the down holding hands, held hands touching the back of the centre's shoulders.  They can choose to pursue the quarterback together, or have one drop back in coverage.  The catch is, to sack the quarterback (tackle him behind the line of scrimmage, when he has not touched the centre and attempted to run), a member of the d-line must touch him while still maintaining a hold on the other d-line member's hand.  This is to allow a blitz to rush the quarterback, but allow the quarterback an advantage in nimbleness over his pursuers, since we can't have an o-line blocking their rush.  Also, a pitch-and-catch to the centre is always a possibility. 
A quarterback being guarded by a single defensive
The defensive backs, of course, must refrain from interfering with the receivers, but can intercept passes.
A fumbled snap can be recovered by either team, but since there shall be no heavy tackling, I don't think any other sort of fumble shall arise, except for a dropped pass caught by a defender before it hits the ground.

Note that turnovers on downs, or any scoring, lead to a kickoff by the next scheduled kickoff team, as teams will rotate kicking the ball away in strict turns (for example, team A kicks to team B.  Team B scores a touchdown on its possession.  Team B kicks to team A.  Team A concedes a safety on its possession.  Team A then kicks to team B.  Team B kicks a field goal, or a single point, on its possession.  Team B kicks to team A, who attempt a field goal on their final down but get neither field goal nor single point.  Team A kick to team B.  On team B's possession, team A intercepts a pass and goes on to score a six-point touchdown.  Team B kicks to team A.  So no matter what happens, any scoring or turnover on downs ends that phase, and the next team in sequence kicks off.)  That way, the game can go to a length defined by kickoffs, as innings define baseball: eg, "Let's play until each team has kicked off four times, once for each player!"

Field goals:
Of course, a team can attempt a field goal on any down it chooses.  But teams that have earned the right to an extra, fourth, kicking-only down receive it as a reward for a) catching the kickoff or having the other team make a mistake and kick out of bounds and b) protecting possession of the football.
At any rate, to kick a field goal, the object shall be to punt the ball from beyond one's end-line to a teammate catching the ball in the opposing end-zone.  An opposing team-member will be stationed on the kicker's end-line and on the half-line.  Any kick which is not blocked by these two opposing players and is headed above the end-zone scores at least a single; if it is caught by the kicker's team-mate, it is worth three points.

I think that's the lot for goal-to-go touch football.  I shall post something new at another time.

Ergo: Rules of Games